Phineas and Ferb's Musical Cliptastic Countdown

This is the full script and lyrics to the Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown.
D = Doofenschmirtz
M = Monogram
P = Perry
Ph = Phineas
C = Carl
F = Ferb
E = Ervin
A = Announcer
Au = audience
Rg = random guy

A: From the PFT studio in marginally attractive downtown Danville, animated live in front of a studio audience, it’s the Phineas and Ferb Musical Cliptastic Countdown! And now our hosts from opposite ends of the quarrel ethical and philosophical spectrum, Dr. Heinz Doofenschmirtz and Major Francis Monogram!
M: Hello Danville!
D: Yes, we’re taking a break from our usual hostility—you know what; I gotta go back one. Your first name is Frances?
M: Yes, spelled with an ‘I’.
D: Spelled with an ‘I’, wouldn’t that be Frinces?
M: No, F-R-A-N-C-I-S. It’s the masculine spelling.
D: Francis.
M: Yes. Anyway, we’re not here to discuss my name. We’re here because kids all over the world logged on to vote for their favorite Phineas and Ferb music videos! And we’re countin’ ‘em down. Starting with number 10! Are ya ready, Dr. D?
D: Fran. Francis. Frannie. Yes, very macho.
M: Ugh. You see, this is why I just go by Major.
You gotta bang your Betty bongos And bring your Betty bass guitar And with the Betty backbeat You'll go Betty, Betty far So drop your boring baggage And come with Missy, Tink, and Crash There's a Betty bandwagon Going to a Betty bash! Get ready for the Bettys, ready for the Bettys Get ready for the Bettys, ready for the Bettys (Ready for the Bettys) Get ready for the Bettys, ready for the Bettys It's the best thing you can do! Get ready for the Bettys 'cause the Bettys are ready for you!
M: Well, how’d ya like that one, D-Man?
D: Too loud. Kids today with their rock and their roll.
M: Well here’s a def-jam that’s really kickin’ it old school.
D: You know that whole street lingo thing? You can’t really pull that off.
M: Roll number nine.
D: I’m just telling you as a friend.
That's it, You're Getting it,I was just a lonely girl,Looking for a little funThough without a friend in the worldI was Forced to Find a new oneNow I'm the Queen of Mars,I was invisible on EarthIt only took a Magic Portal to MarsTo give me some self worthYou put a Crown on my head,And you all seem to worship meBut you don't understand a word I saidStill you Treat me like RoyaltyCuz I'm the Queen of MarsI was invisible on EarthIt only took a Magic Portal to MarsTo give me some self worth

M: I’m here with Cindy, an animated member of our studio audience—
E: (pushing Cindy down) PHINEAS AND FERB ROCK! WOOO!!!!!
M: Okay then, let’s throw it over to my partner in crime; not that I actually perpetrated crime with him; Carl, who wrote these cue cards?
C: Agent M, sir.
(Monkey is sitting at typewriter)
D: What, what is that all about? I mean, he’s using a typewriter, when was the last time anybody used a typewriter? What- what is this, 1987?
M: Well—
D: You realize most of the kids watching this show have never even seen a typewriter, right?
M: We’re on a budget.
D: Oh so you went to an antique store…
M: Moving on! Number 8! Roll the tape.
D: Oh so you got tape; you’re not just using film, or- or- or hand shadows?
So your saying that you don't have rhythm But look at what you're doing right thereWith that stamp and a book you've got a real nice lookLooks to me like you've got rhythm to spareI have no idea what you’re talking aboutI've got as much rhythm as that chairWhat happened to me was a tragedyBut I don't have to be a millionaireLook I got a sweet deal going on hereI've got all the books that I can readWith these sweet old ladies and this carpet from the 80'sWhat more could a librarian need?Besides I Ain’t got rhythmNo I Ain’t got rhythmI Ain’t got rhythmI Ain’t got rhythmYour kidding me right, you’re kidding meDon't you see what you were doing right thenThat's a wicked groove you were starting to moveMr., you got rhythm times 10I think perhaps that you’re not listeningI find it tedious to repeatIt's no big dealI just can't keep timeI'm just telling you I lost the beatI don't need my face on t-shirtsOr hit a power-chord guitarThey were screaming my nameI guess it's a shameBut I don't need to be a rock starBesides I Ain’t got rhythmNo I Ain’t got rhythmI said I Ain’t got rhythmI Ain’t got rhythm (3x)Sounds like rhythm to meI Ain’t got rhythmSeems like they all agreeI Ain’t got rhythmBut your laying down some funky songI Ain’t got rhythmBut you got that beatI Ain’t got rhythmLook at them, their stomping their feetI Ain’t got rhythmIt's time for you to rock a brand new generationGonna rock a brand new generationCause I Ain’t got rhythm

D: Okay I knew I couldn’t appear on the Cliptastic Countdown empty handed so I brought a little something for all of us to enjoy. Behold, the Music-Media-Clip-Anator! You see, when I was a small boy, my parents would never let me watch music videos—
M: No, no! We don’t have time for an emotionally scarring back-story.
D: Well maybe I should give you an emotionally scarring front-story.
M: Okay, that doesn’t even make any sense.
(Monster truck appears out of nowhere with Doofenschmirtz inside)
D: It doesn’t have to I’ve got a monster truck! WOOOHOOO!!!!! (Drives away)
M: Video number—
D: (Driving back) NUMBER SEVEN!!!
M: {Hiss} That was my foot!
Mom it's your birthdayThanks for all the care and love you giveNot to mention the mealsSometimes I get kinda nervousAnd forget to tell you how I feelI'm a little high strungIt's just because I'm youngMom I adore yaAnd I'll do anything for yaAlthough my brothers make me franticWith every single crazy anticAnd when I'm bouncing off the wallsYour the one who stays calmBecause you love me for who I amI'll always love you mom

D: Heh, heh, heh! What Francis doesn’t realize is that this is more than a Music-Video-Clip-Anator; it’s a Music-Video-Mind-Control-Anator! Heh, heh, heh! (Realizes that audience is watching) (Stammering) Oh- uh; hi, I mean, uh, I- I was just saying, um, um, mimes control my gator! See look over there.
(Mimes controlling a gator)
D: And you thought I was making it up. Now on to video number 6!
Those boys are always up to something,And it's bringing me to tears cause,Just before you get home it always just magically disappears.*Chorus*Those boys are evil,But before you get home them somehow always clean up the mess,Those boys are evil,Let me spell out for you mom,E.V.I.L.B.O.Y.S .They built a rollercoaster,And a beach in the backyard,Drove cattle through the city,And messed up the boulevard,They took me back in time when we went to that museum,They built 50 feet tree house robots,But still you didn't see them.*Chorus*Those boys are evil,Those crazy shenanigans caused me all kinds of distress,Those boys are evil,Sing it with me,(E.V.I.L.B.O.Y.S).I know you think they're saints,But mom I'm here to tell,Those B.O.Y.S they're just E.V.I.L,Those boys are evil,They're makin me feel like my head is in hydraulic press,And that don't feel too good,Those boys are evil,Everybody,( E.V.I.L.B.O.Y.S),Thats what I’m talkin about,E.V.I.L.B.O.Y.S ,Thats right those boys are, EVIL LITTLE boys!
M: That was stupid fresh! I’m making that one my ringtone for sure! And right now, I’ve got a surprise for all you hip youngsters. A special guest who’s got his own dep theme song.
Au: (clapping) Doobie doobie dooba; doobie doobie dooba
M: That’s right, it’s P to the P, P squared, or as I like to call him, Agent P.
(Music: Doobie doobie dooba; Perry! (Perry enters))
Ph: Hey, where’s Perry?
F: He’s doing a special appearance on a music video clip show.
Ph: Hm. Well, good for him.
M: Well Agent P, I think everybody would like to know: What are your thoughts on the videos we’ve seen tonight?
P: {Platypus sound}
M: Well, thanks for coming.
(Perry exits)
M: And I think that sets up our next video perfectly. Here it is, thanks to your votes, video number 5.
Somebody anybody everybody scream!
Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
There are squirrels in my pants!
That girl’s got some serious squirrels in her pants!
There are squirrels in my pants!
Tell me what’s makin you jump like that
SIMP squirrels in my pants
Aint got no chickens aint got no rats
SIMP squirrels in my pants
S to the I to the M to the P then maybe you can be movin like me
Step right over and watch me put it down
Squirrels! Squirrels!
Step right over and watch me put it
S to the I to the M to the P
Whadya got goin, what’re in your pants
S I M P squirrels in my pants
How can I qualify for government grants
S I M P squirrels in my pants
Hypnotize me put me in a trance
S I M P squirrels in my pants
Got an aunt Florence livin in France
She can’t see the squirrels in my pants
Step right over and watch me put it down
Squirrels! Squirrels!
Step right over and watch me put it
S to the I to the M to the P
If ya wanna know how I’m doin this dance
SIMP squirrels in my pants
There’s something in my trousers you know it aint ants
SIMP squirrels in my pants
Proletary and brusausie you don’t need an academic degree
Everybody’s smelling my properie
S to the I to the M to the P
Step right over and watch me put it down
Down on the ground
Cuz you know I got it goin on
S to the I to the M to the P
If your pockets are empty get a cash advance
Squirrels! Squirrels!
If you’re losing your hair get yourself implants
If you’re wrestling a bear then you aint got a chance
Old Uncle Freddie just rages and rants
Aint about love; aint about romance I got
Squirrels in my pants!
D: Don’t go away, folks. When we come back we’ll have the final 4.
D: Plus a special video that will enslave the tri-state area! Heh, heh, heh! (Stammering) I- I mean, uh, engrave my pie plate carrier. (Holds up pie plate carrier) Look, it’s silver! It was a wedding gift. I got it at the divorce. That’s right, ladies; I’m available!
(Commercial)
D: Wait you’re getting paid for this? I’m doing this as community service. I gotta do, like, 200 hours.
M: This show is only half an hour long.
D: I have to do this 400 times?!
M: And we’re back. We’re counting down the top Phineas and Ferb music videos from season 1 as picked by you, the viewers.
D: You are definitely buying lunch.
M: So, here’s a little number I like to call 4.
Little brothers,I remember when you first came home,Then came another,little brother of our own.Even when you break my toys,you will always be myLittle brothers, Cause you're younger, we're related, and you're boys.Even when you're making too much noise, you will always be myLittle brothers,Because you're younger, we're related, and you're boysLittle brothers,Little brothers,Little brothers.
M: Toogular! If I had been wearing socks, they would have been rocked right off.
D: You’re really not wearing socks?
M: Well, not at the moment. Carl, how are my socks coming?
C: Almost done, sir.
M: Well, here’s video number 3.
I can see the things you doin'And you think that I'm naiveBut when I get the goods on youShe'll finally believeShe says it's all just dramaBut every bubble's got to popShe's gonna see just what your doin'And then your finally gonna have to STOP!Don't think your gonna win this timeCause' you better believe I'm gonna drop a dimeon youI'll get ya! [2x]and when I do your gonna be busted!BUSTED!I don't wanna put the hurt on youbut you better believe me when I tell youthat I finally got the dirt on youYOUR BUSTED! (Busted!)Yeah, she's finally gonna see your lightThis is how it's gonna beWhen she finds out that I was always rightYOUR BUSTED!

There’s a new cop on the beat. And I’m bringing down the heat. My eyes are wise to all your lies cuz your not that discreet. And I don’t care watcha heard. Cuz there’s 1 6 letter word. Its gonna set me free. Its gonna set me free. Starts with a b. starts with a b. b u s t e d you are busted.

BUSTED!I don't wanna put the hurt on youbut you better believe me when I tell youthat I finally got the dirt on youYOUR BUSTED! (Busted!)Yeah, she's finally gonna see the light This is how it's gonna beWhen she finds out that I was always rightYOU’RE BUSTED!

M: Man, tough tiggle. Hey Doofenschmirtz, what’cha working on over here?
D: Your doom.
(Cage falls on Monogram)
M: Great googly moogly! Carl, get me Agent P!
C: He’s in the green room, sir.
M: Well, that should be easy, then. Please enjoy music video number 2!
Listen up people and I’ll teach ya
Bout Phineas and Ferb and the backyard beach ya
Every morning Phineas he gonna say (say!)
Brotha whatcha wanna do today
Now ya see we havin fun playin under the sun
Get in line get in line cuz the wet ski’s runnin
The backyard beach
The backyard beach
Nothin’s out of reach we got the backyard beach
Change in the broken hut
Drink out of a coconut
3 games for a token but the rest is free
We got skiin parasailing
Surfin and a- flailin
Your contacts need saline or else you can’t see
At the backyard beach
The backyard beach
Nothin’s out of reach we got the backyard beach
The backyard beach
The backyard beach
Don’t fall into the breach we got the backyard beach
D: Heh, heh, heh, heh! Now, my ultimate triumph is at hand! Prepare to be hypnotized; by a video scientifically created to get stuck in your heads FOREVER!!
(Lifts lever)
My name is Doof and you’ll do what I say
Whoop, whoop
(Repeat and repeat and repeat…)
M: No!!
Rg: His name is Doof and I’ll do what he says; whoop, whoop.
(Perry crashes through wall)
M: Avert your ears, Agent P!
(Perry uses hand missile to press eject button; CD pops out)
D: No, no, no, no; get back in there! (Pushes CD back in. CD pops out) (While pushing CD in, to no avail,) Wait, why is it—
(Perry pushes eject button)
D: Perry the Platypus! (Doofenschmirtz and Perry pushing their buttons) I swear, out of all the aquatic mammals I hang with, you are truly the most uncooperative.
Au: His name is Doof and we’ll do what he says; whoop, whoop. His name is Doof and we’ll do what he says; whoop, whoop.
D: It’s working; it’s working!
M: Oh no, Agent P! It’s stuck in their heads. We need something even more catchy to counteract it. But- but what could we…? (Perry opens curtain) Agent P, Agent P, this is no time for redecorating! Oh, I see!
(Music starts for Gitchee Gitchee Goo)
D: NO! NOT THE NUMBER ONE REQUESTED PHINEAS AND FERB SONG!! New extended version; never before seen. NOT THAT!!!
Bow chika bow wow
That’s what my baby says
Mow mow mow
And my heart starts pumpin
Chika chika choo wop
Never gonna stop
Gitchee Gitchee goo means that I love you
My baby’s got her own way of talkin’
Whenever she says something sweet
And she knows it’s my world she’s a-rockin’
Though my vocabulary’s incomplete
I know it may sound confusing
Sometimes I wish you’d give it to me strait
But I never feel like I’m losing (losing)
When I take the time to translate
Here’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout
Bow chika bow wow
That’s what my baby says
Mow mow mow
And my heart starts pumpin
Chika chika choo wop
Never gonna stop
Gitchee Gitchee goo means that I love you
Well I don’t know what to do
(I don’t know what to do)
But I think I’m getting through
(I think I’m getting through)
Cuz when I say I love you
(I say I love you)
She says I gitchee gitchee goo you too
(Gitchee gitchee goo you too)
(Gitchee gitchee goo you too)
(Gitchee gitchee goo you too)
Don’t need a dictionary
Bow chika bow wow
That’s what my baby says
Mow mow mow
And my heart starts pumpin
Chika chika choo wop
Never gonna stop
Gitchee Gitchee goo means that I love you
I said a-bow chika bow wow
That’s what my baby says
Mow mow mow
And my heart starts pumpin
Chika chika choo wop
Never gonna stop
Gitchee Gitchee goo means that I love you
Gitchee Gitchee goo means that I love you
Gitchee Gitchee goo means that I love you baybay
Baybay
Baybay!
Bayba bayba bayba
Gitchee Gitchee goo means that I love you!
(Audience snaps out of it)
(Doofenschmirtz is in cage)
M: Great job, Agent P. You stopped Doofenschmirtz, saved the tri-state area, and finished the music video countdown. Well, thanks for tuning in, folks. We’ll see ya next time. Say goodnight, Doofenschmirtz!
D: You know, someday I’ll get out of this cage, but your name will still be Francis.